It’s Been Awhile

Confession time.

Quarantine is/was hard on me mentally, but I don’t think that is a surprise to anyone.

Emotions ran high. I did a lot of self discovery. I made mistakes. I didn’t think I was good enough. I was disappointed in myself. I hurt. I cried. I wanted to hurt myself.

12 years of self harm recovery doesn’t mean that I don’t want to. The feelings are still there a lot! That doesn’t mean that my medicines aren’t working. That doesn’t mean that I am not doing the best I can. That means that I have to fight harder to make sure that I don’t revert to something that hurt me tremendously.

For the first time in over a year I had to put a rubber band around my wrist. For those of you who aren’t preview to the world of self harm, one of the coping mechanisms recommended to self harm patients is to use a rubber band to pop your skin to simulate the release most self harmers seek.

While it is not ideal to go as far as the image above this is what it comes to sometimes. I’m not proud of the image, but this blog is meant for me to be very open with my readers during the good and the bad times.

Understanding this issue is so important when it comes to helping others that you know with this form of mental struggle.

During this time so many are struggling and many are losing their battle with their minds and it is heartbreaking! I can openly admit that I have issues with control. If I don’t have control over myself and my life then I begin to spiral, and that is when things get tough. I am a planner. Being out of work scared me. Even though I am in a situation that is a huge blessing I still had no clear picture of anything happening for the 6 weeks I didn’t have an income. I am the sole monetary provider for my family right now. That is a decision that was not a light one, but it is one that I was more than happy to take on! I love working, and I am very lucky that I love what I do!

While trying to pour myself into different projects during quarantine, I wasn’t in control of my mind and I felt like I was disappointing a lot of people when in reality it was 99% all in my head.

At the end of the day please remember the importance on checking on your people! This mess is far from over, and is going to change the course of our history. While I silently struggled for weeks I get it was a disservice to my blog not to share even if it was delayed.

Title Credit:

Staid: It’s Been Awhile

Disconnected

If you’re finding this blog congratulations. This is one of the few I’m not alerting social media to.

Depression sucks.

I wish I could relay just how much. This post won’t be long, but I had to share a visual. I went to one of my favorite places today to sit and enjoy the outdoors and think in a quiet place.

Isn’t it beautifully creepy?

When I arrived I felt good and happy.

20 minutes later I was overwhelmed with emotion.

This is a hard time for people like me. This is a hard time for people not like me. Check on your people! They need you now more than ever!

“I feel so disconnected from everything
Everything around me
All I ever wanted was to feel like I belong
Somewhere else than here”

Title Credit:

Imminence: Disconnected

Ugly

What do you think when you look in the mirror?

“I’m fat.” “I’m ugly.” “I have too many wrinkles.” “My nose is too big.”

I’m sure the list could go in forever. So let’s talk about self image.

Why are we so hard on ourselves? Because society is hard on us! For years now there has been a movement about empowering women (and men) to feel better about ourselves, but does it really work? Does our internal monologue change because the media tells us to change it? No. Will your internal monologue change because I’m asking you to change it? I would love for it to, but I have to be realistic!

I used to spend hours looking in the mirror and picking at my face and my skin. I would find all my imperfections and focus on them because others were telling me I wasn’t worthy of being considered beautiful. If I couldn’t sleep I was in the mirror. At one point when I was self harming I even cut fat into my stomach and ugly into my calf. That’s how I viewed myself, a fat, disgusting human being.

I imagine this is the story of millions of young women (and not so young) and it devastates me to know others are struggling the way I used to.

I don’t remember when I stopped judging myself so harshly, but I know it was after my daughter came to me when she was around four and told me she was fat! FOUR! I knew then and there that somewhere along the way she had probably heard me say I myself was fat. I knew I had to change my perspective.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am human and I still have days where I don’t feel good about myself. I could lose some more weight, I could work harder to drink more water, but more days than not I have to remind myself that I am worthy and I am beautiful.

So what can you do to help yourself with your self image?

1. Change your inner monologue. Start small. Take it a day at a time.

2. Dress in clothes that make you feel good about yourself.

3. Surround yourself with supportive people.

4. Surround yourself with words of affirmation. Hang a sticky note, create a piece of art, do whatever is best for you! (I am beautiful, Today is the day, I am worthy etc.)

5. Stop expecting perfection. You aren’t perfect and that’s ok!

6. Change what you can.

7. Don’t compare yourself to others.

8. Take a hot bath or shower and relax.

9. Don’t live in the mirror.

And finally…

10. Give back. Help others. Do something that makes you and others feel good!

Title Credit:

Ugly: The Exies