It’s Been Awhile

Confession time.

Quarantine is/was hard on me mentally, but I don’t think that is a surprise to anyone.

Emotions ran high. I did a lot of self discovery. I made mistakes. I didn’t think I was good enough. I was disappointed in myself. I hurt. I cried. I wanted to hurt myself.

12 years of self harm recovery doesn’t mean that I don’t want to. The feelings are still there a lot! That doesn’t mean that my medicines aren’t working. That doesn’t mean that I am not doing the best I can. That means that I have to fight harder to make sure that I don’t revert to something that hurt me tremendously.

For the first time in over a year I had to put a rubber band around my wrist. For those of you who aren’t preview to the world of self harm, one of the coping mechanisms recommended to self harm patients is to use a rubber band to pop your skin to simulate the release most self harmers seek.

While it is not ideal to go as far as the image above this is what it comes to sometimes. I’m not proud of the image, but this blog is meant for me to be very open with my readers during the good and the bad times.

Understanding this issue is so important when it comes to helping others that you know with this form of mental struggle.

During this time so many are struggling and many are losing their battle with their minds and it is heartbreaking! I can openly admit that I have issues with control. If I don’t have control over myself and my life then I begin to spiral, and that is when things get tough. I am a planner. Being out of work scared me. Even though I am in a situation that is a huge blessing I still had no clear picture of anything happening for the 6 weeks I didn’t have an income. I am the sole monetary provider for my family right now. That is a decision that was not a light one, but it is one that I was more than happy to take on! I love working, and I am very lucky that I love what I do!

While trying to pour myself into different projects during quarantine, I wasn’t in control of my mind and I felt like I was disappointing a lot of people when in reality it was 99% all in my head.

At the end of the day please remember the importance on checking on your people! This mess is far from over, and is going to change the course of our history. While I silently struggled for weeks I get it was a disservice to my blog not to share even if it was delayed.

Title Credit:

Staid: It’s Been Awhile

Disconnected

If you’re finding this blog congratulations. This is one of the few I’m not alerting social media to.

Depression sucks.

I wish I could relay just how much. This post won’t be long, but I had to share a visual. I went to one of my favorite places today to sit and enjoy the outdoors and think in a quiet place.

Isn’t it beautifully creepy?

When I arrived I felt good and happy.

20 minutes later I was overwhelmed with emotion.

This is a hard time for people like me. This is a hard time for people not like me. Check on your people! They need you now more than ever!

“I feel so disconnected from everything
Everything around me
All I ever wanted was to feel like I belong
Somewhere else than here”

Title Credit:

Imminence: Disconnected

Well I guess it doesn’t matter anymore

“There are blood stains everywhere on your sheets. It looks like you’ve killed someone.”

I can still hear these words, told by my mother earlier today as she was doing the laundry. She does not know I self-harm, she still thinks it’s the “acceptable” monthly blood. And yet she can feel something is not right, there is too much blood, but she does not get what exactly is wrong. She will never get it because I will not let her know why there is too much blood. I will not let anybody know about the delicate self-torture that takes place in my room three times a week. I cut and I burn so that the sad bored version of myself let the happier and calmer me take the rains, so that I am in peace. And this, no one will ever know, this is why I am unblameable, unjudgeable and above all unstoppable.

I don’t even want to stop anymore, I’ve stopped trying to quit when I realized it hurt me more than self-harm itself and self-harm became so normal to me now. I keep telling myself it’s not that bad. After all, it helps, or at least I feel it helps. Some people drink to feel good, others eat, others smoke, I self-harm and the immediate consequences are positive. I even try to convince myself it is self-care. It is my trick to make myself happy, it is a moment I spend caring only about myself, it is only me and my body, only me and my feelings. And yet I know it’s all but a lie to myself, self-harm should not be considered normal, self-harm is unhealthy. I find this tragically fascinating, how you can get used to things that would shock so many people. I still remember the time when I was shocked as well, when it was still something not okay to do. When I started self-harming I did not know what self-harm was. I freaked out each time I hurt myself. I would cut then look at myself in the mirror and see what I had done. I saw a mad woman. Why would anyone hurt themselves on purpose?

But repeated self-harm often leads to tolerance and habituation, and now I have to cut deeper, more often and burn as well to get the same feeling of relief. How did I let this happen? How could I get used to it? I still do not understand and I blame myself for this. I do not understand why I kept doing it when I could still stop. And yet I can still stop. People often think it is an addiction, it may be to some but not to me. I am not addicted, I could stop if I wanted, but I don’t want to because I am dependent, I rely on it. I can stop for weeks and I have already done so, but what is the point if these weeks become unbearable? Now that I’ve been self-harming for two years, it is part of my life, it is part of who I am and I have forgotten how it is not to self-harm. This is why this remark made by my mom, it looks like a murder, made me feel so uncomfortable: it was a reminder of how violent self-harm is.

Blog Collaboration Intro

Hey everyone! I am so excited to announce my first blog collaborator, Nina. She has written her own intro for me to post so everyone knows what’s going on. She will then post her own content with her own signature so everyone can differentiate between who the blogger is! So without further ado help me welcome Nina!
Hello everyone,
My name is Nina, I am a 22 years old French girl, going on 23. I have been self-harming for more than 2 years now and I am extremely grateful to Mattie for letting me share my story on her blog. I hope this will help you better understand self-harm and mental health and make you feel less alone if you suffer as well. I wish I had known I was not alone when I started self-harming as it took me time to stop feeling guilty and understand what was happening. I would not want anyone to feel that way. I now feel way better than when I started, although I haven’t stopped self-harming yet.
I like to read about self-harm in my free time, but it is obviously not the only aspect of who I am, I have plenty of diverse interests. I love (horror) movies, music, cooking and politics and I am fascinated with the American culture.
Thank you and have a nice day!
Nina