It’s Been Awhile

Confession time.

Quarantine is/was hard on me mentally, but I don’t think that is a surprise to anyone.

Emotions ran high. I did a lot of self discovery. I made mistakes. I didn’t think I was good enough. I was disappointed in myself. I hurt. I cried. I wanted to hurt myself.

12 years of self harm recovery doesn’t mean that I don’t want to. The feelings are still there a lot! That doesn’t mean that my medicines aren’t working. That doesn’t mean that I am not doing the best I can. That means that I have to fight harder to make sure that I don’t revert to something that hurt me tremendously.

For the first time in over a year I had to put a rubber band around my wrist. For those of you who aren’t preview to the world of self harm, one of the coping mechanisms recommended to self harm patients is to use a rubber band to pop your skin to simulate the release most self harmers seek.

While it is not ideal to go as far as the image above this is what it comes to sometimes. I’m not proud of the image, but this blog is meant for me to be very open with my readers during the good and the bad times.

Understanding this issue is so important when it comes to helping others that you know with this form of mental struggle.

During this time so many are struggling and many are losing their battle with their minds and it is heartbreaking! I can openly admit that I have issues with control. If I don’t have control over myself and my life then I begin to spiral, and that is when things get tough. I am a planner. Being out of work scared me. Even though I am in a situation that is a huge blessing I still had no clear picture of anything happening for the 6 weeks I didn’t have an income. I am the sole monetary provider for my family right now. That is a decision that was not a light one, but it is one that I was more than happy to take on! I love working, and I am very lucky that I love what I do!

While trying to pour myself into different projects during quarantine, I wasn’t in control of my mind and I felt like I was disappointing a lot of people when in reality it was 99% all in my head.

At the end of the day please remember the importance on checking on your people! This mess is far from over, and is going to change the course of our history. While I silently struggled for weeks I get it was a disservice to my blog not to share even if it was delayed.

Title Credit:

Staid: It’s Been Awhile

Disconnected

If you’re finding this blog congratulations. This is one of the few I’m not alerting social media to.

Depression sucks.

I wish I could relay just how much. This post won’t be long, but I had to share a visual. I went to one of my favorite places today to sit and enjoy the outdoors and think in a quiet place.

Isn’t it beautifully creepy?

When I arrived I felt good and happy.

20 minutes later I was overwhelmed with emotion.

This is a hard time for people like me. This is a hard time for people not like me. Check on your people! They need you now more than ever!

“I feel so disconnected from everything
Everything around me
All I ever wanted was to feel like I belong
Somewhere else than here”

Title Credit:

Imminence: Disconnected

Cigarettes/Tequila

I’ve seen a lot of backlash and hurtful words about why nicotine and alcohol are considered “essential.” I thought I would take the time to do a little research and also share my personal thoughts on the matter.

Alcohol and nicotine are addictive substances. When you stop “cold turkey” with any addiction that can be very dangerous! Many people who struggle with mental illness also suffer with some type of substance abuse/addiction. It is important that we show compassion in times like these!

An excerpt from an article I found here

“Withdrawal from alcohol is also dangerous, and can result in tremors, hallucinations, and seizures that can progress to requiring admission to the ICU, and may ultimately lead to death. At the same time, predictive models show that 5 percent of COVID19-infected patients will require hospital admission, while 2 percent will require ICU admissions. As hospitals become strained from the surging number of COVID-19 patients, preventing and mitigating the risk of additional ICU admissions is paramount.”

I understand that people don’t always “get” why things are the way they are, but at the end of the day please try to educate yourself before clicking the share button.

Title Credit:

Cigarettes: Fort Minor

Tequila: Dan + Shay

Covid-19 Mental Health Resources!

This will be one of my few posts that doesn’t have a title named after a song! This is so important and if you need resources during this time please reach out! Know your options!

https://www.mhanational.org/covid19

https://www.sprc.org

https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/daily-life-coping/managing-stress-anxiety.html