Cigarettes/Tequila

I’ve seen a lot of backlash and hurtful words about why nicotine and alcohol are considered “essential.” I thought I would take the time to do a little research and also share my personal thoughts on the matter.

Alcohol and nicotine are addictive substances. When you stop “cold turkey” with any addiction that can be very dangerous! Many people who struggle with mental illness also suffer with some type of substance abuse/addiction. It is important that we show compassion in times like these!

An excerpt from an article I found here

“Withdrawal from alcohol is also dangerous, and can result in tremors, hallucinations, and seizures that can progress to requiring admission to the ICU, and may ultimately lead to death. At the same time, predictive models show that 5 percent of COVID19-infected patients will require hospital admission, while 2 percent will require ICU admissions. As hospitals become strained from the surging number of COVID-19 patients, preventing and mitigating the risk of additional ICU admissions is paramount.”

I understand that people don’t always “get” why things are the way they are, but at the end of the day please try to educate yourself before clicking the share button.

Title Credit:

Cigarettes: Fort Minor

Tequila: Dan + Shay

Covid-19 Mental Health Resources!

This will be one of my few posts that doesn’t have a title named after a song! This is so important and if you need resources during this time please reach out! Know your options!

https://www.mhanational.org/covid19

https://www.sprc.org

https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/daily-life-coping/managing-stress-anxiety.html

Heart of Misery

While I was searching for words to give some inspiration and hope today I came across a quote that hit me hard.

How beautiful are these words? There is still beauty even after the misery. Now don’t get me wrong, there are many times that I do think of the misery in my life, but it’s not all consuming like it used to be.

It’s hard to forget when I have physical reminders of the pain I went through years ago. I am lucky that many of my scars have faded, but I know that many aren’t so lucky.

So here is my challenge for you today. Find the beauty in your life. Take a look at what is around you. Gaze at the stars. Take a walk and look at all the beautiful things that are in bloom.

Mental illness is hard. It’s a fight every single day, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t at least one good thing in your life.

Title Credit:

Heart of Misery: The Rasmus

Sometimes

My heart is breaking tonight. It breaks for this country, for the world. It breaks for people I care deeply about. It breaks for people I don’t even know.

Today a very special woman in my life lost her mother and while that in and of itself is heartbreaking what is even more gut wrenching is knowing she hasn’t been able to hug her in over 3 weeks because of this stupid virus! I can’t even fathom the sadness.

I have struggled for days now and there have been a few things that have gotten me through. Mask making and music. It amazes me how, even though, the following lyrics were written so long ago and were just re-released a few days ago, they hit home so much right now!

So for tonight I leave you with the lyrics of “Sometimes” by Grey Daze

Sometimes, things just seem to fall apart
When you least expect them to
Sometimes you want to pack up and leave behind
All of them and their smiles

I don’t know, what to think anymore
Maybe things will get better
Maybe things will look brighter
Maybe, maybe…

Sometimes, people surprise you
And people surprise me
Well I guess that’s the price we pay
For wanting so badly

I don’t know, what to think anymore
Maybe things will get better
Maybe things will look brighter
Maybe, maybe…

Title Credit:

Sometimes: Grey Daze

Attention Attention

I am looking for people to share their personal stories that fall under the following categories:

Depression

Anxiety

PTSD

ADD/ADHD

Psychotic Disorders

Personality Disorders

Self Harm

Suicide

Share your story in any way you like. Do you prefer to type it out in classic text form? That’s great! Are you more of a visual person? Wonderful! Create a story board that can be uploaded. A small amount of text would need to be included! I am completely open to all forms of collaboration!

If you are interested please contact me by email at beautifullyontheedge@gmail.com

Answer the following questions and if you are a fit for my blog I will let you know!

1. Name

2. Age

3. How did you hear about the opportunity?

4. Why are you interested in being a collaborator on “A Place For My Head?”

5. Are you comfortable sharing your personal information under your name or would you prefer a pen name?

6. What way would you like to share your story? (Classic blog post, visual, other form?)

Matt;e

Alone Together

What day is it? Quarantine day (whatever). There are so many struggling mentally right now and it is no different for me.

I am dealing with mania right now. While I am not bi-polar I do deal with mania from time to time. Being out of work is hard for me. I am trying so hard to keep myself busy and trying to have a purpose in a time where I feel so helpless.

My husband was so encouraging today and helped me rearrange and clean our living space. I always joke with people that I need creative chaos, but I have literally been living in full on chaos.

So here is my advise for those of you that are struggling. Do something for yourself even if it is taking a bath. Clean up the clutter (clutter can make you even more depressed). Take a walk and enjoy your surroundings. I am lucky I live in a rural area and I am surrounded by land. I know everyone doesn’t have that luxury, but do what you can during this crazy time.

Last but certainly not least if you need to talk to someone reach out! You are not alone!

Matt;e

Halfway Gone

Hey there. It’s been a while. I had big plans for this blog and then life got extremely busy. Life changed. Life threw me a curve ball. Isn’t that what life is good at?

So where to begin? I guess let’s do a quick update on the last 7 months.

I sold my salon. I became my own boss. Business has been booming. My husband got laid off. Ryann started 1st Grade. We sold our house. We uprooted our lives. We moved to Cullman and are living with my parents. I started working at a second salon. Jude turned 3. Jeremy and I celebrated 8 years of marriage.

I’ve been depressed (that’s the one constant in my life wa wa waaaaa). I’ve had high high and low lows.

Dang. A lot has happened in a short period of time. That’s the struggle with depression. Things can be going great and sometimes you still feel so sad. Please don’t get me wrong…I have SO much to be thankful for and I am extremely blessed to be tired because I am working so much because I have work to do!

I’m making a promise to myself to be more active in my blog. I’ve had quite a few people ask me why I haven’t been writing and that they missed it and boy does that make a girl feel good!

Until next blog!

Matt;e

Don’t Drink the Water

I’m sorry my blogging has been sporadic. I never realized how difficult it would be to get all my thought into writing!

Tonight I want to talk about alcohol and why I tend to stay away from it. First of all there is one probably very obvious reason why I say no. I take medications that can be adversely affected by alcohol. This is NOT a blog about why I think drinking is wrong, because I don’t think it is!

Before I met Jeremy I was in a very toxic relationship with a black out alcoholic. If you know me well you know that I can be quite a push over and a shrinking violet when it comes to conflict. This guy was everything in a relationship that I did not need. He had gotten kicked out of the military due to his alcoholism. (I didn’t find this out until after our relationship ended.) I remember early in our relationship I had tried to draw a line in the amount he was drinking. I was 19 and while I had had drinks before I didn’t drink in excess. I’m just not fond of the taste and I don’t like the way it makes me feel. Anyway, one night I could smell alcohol on his breath and yet again I confronted him and he promised me he would cut it out. I take promises very seriously so to say I was devastated when I got a call from his sister telling me he had gotten fired from his job for drinking on the job and I needed to come pick him up is an understatement. There is a lot I have blocked out from this relationship, but I vividly remember this night. I picked him up and I completely let him have it. While we were driving down a major highway he decides to start climbing out of my Civic and proceeds to run down the side of the road. (By the way this guy is 6’7″) I finally get him back in my car and to the parking lot of my apartment. The next thing I know he is out of my car, punches the back windshield out of the car parked next to me with his bare fist), and is running around my apartment complex completely blacked out. Luckily someone heard the commotion and called the police. The police arrived relatively quickly and I still remember sitting in a Hoover’s Finest SUV thinking of ways that I could “save” this man.

I think this night was probably the first time my mom ever came to my rescue and I had full appreciation for her being there! It’s not that I wasn’t thankful for her before, but this time I just needed her. She helped me see that I didn’t NEED a man and I definitely didn’t need to take care of or save a man who couldn’t even show me respect. She made me realize that had I gotten out of my car 5 seconds before I did that car windshield could have been me.

That was a long story to get to my point. I don’t mind drinking and I definitelydon’t mind being around you if you are drinking. However, if I begin to feel uncomfortable in a situation where drinking is involved I tend to flee because I have major anxiety due to the story above.

Matt;e

Walking in Circles

Nearly 17 years. Over 10 different medications. That has been my life. That has been my struggle. Why can’t there just be a one size fits all medication for depression, anxiety, etc?! Because we are all wired differently and there is no magic answer to tell us which medicine will work, which medicine will last, which routine will keep us in check. Some medicines have made me feel worse or over medicated. Some make me sweat so much that I felt like I was going through menopause.

For 15 years I would go through spurts where I was doing really well, but my body and my brain would tell me “hey you’re doing better you don’t need that stuff.” I finally had to ask myself “is it worth it to give my life to pills?” When I finally answered yes to that question my life changed. I can’t tell you how hard it is for someone to look down on you because you depend on something so small to re-wire your brain. But that does NOT make me weak. It takes a ton of strength to sort out pills and make a vow to yourself and your family to take them every single day.

I am so thankful that I have finally found a regimen that works for me. Last week a friend on Facebook shared a post saying that people who take Adderall are “meth heads.” I was offended, hurt, and overwhelmed. For someone to make such a statement is why we have such a horrible stigma about mental health and medication in this country! Please if you don’t believe in medication do some research! Yes there are plenty of people who abuse medication, but there are plenty of us that need it. And a lot more of those people who need it would take it properly if they weren’t shamed for it.

That’s all I have for tonight.

Matt;e

Tell Me You Love Me

I think it is time for me to talk up my husband a little! I firmly believe I don’t have to put it out for the world to see, but sometimes I really enjoy bragging on him.

I “met” Jeremy in 2007 when we started chatting on IM because a mutual friend told me I should chat him up. You know you always have that friend that you don’t view as anything but a friend. That was Jeremy. I wouldn’t meet him in person til 2008.

I love to tell the story of our first date. A few weeks after we actually met I had planned to come up to Decatur with two friends and Jeremy was supposed to meet us. He totally stood me up so after the first part of my evening with my friends I made them take me to his house, I knocked on his door, and I told him “get in the car we are going to eat.” And the rest is history LOL! Not really but that was the beginning of a relationship that my parents had taught me I was worthy of. Don’t get me wrong I dated some guys that weren’t all bad, but each had a distinct characteristic that wasn’t worth my effort. (Another blog another day)

Jeremy was the first person I could tell everything about myself. I didn’t feel like I had to hide things and while in the beginning he didn’t understand all the quirks that made me…me he has helped me more than anyone will ever know.

After a little over a year of dating Jeremy proposed to me on his birthday and on November 12, 2010 we were married. Everyone tells you the first year of marriage is the hardest. Marriage is hard period. It took 6 years and 2 kids to get settled in and living with a spouse that has anxiety, depression, and sometimes paranoia can be taxing. Jeremy is a trooper.

There were multiple times in our first 5 years of marriage where I would get beside myself. I vividly remember one night walking out, getting in my car, and driving away. It was nothing that Jeremy did. I had to deal with my demons the only way I knew how at that point. I am thankful he is comfortable enough to seek guidance from my mom. I remember sitting in the Austin parking lot (not even a mile from our house) and crying my eyes out. About 30 minutes later I got a call from my mom stating how worried my husband was. That was like round 5 of going off my medicine because I kept forgetting to take it.

A common theme you will see in this blog is the day I decided I had to get help. It was early January 2017 and I was completely beside myself, raging through our house, making a fool of myself in front of my husband and my children. Jeremy found me in the floor of our closet crying. (I hadn’t gone a day in over 2 weeks without crying over something at this point) This is how amazing this man is. He gets down on my level, gets the “Jeremy voice”, pulls off his wedding ring and asks me why I gave that to him. Completely surprised I started to calm down and we just sat there while I dried it up. He gets the kids situated (y’all he is an amazing dad!) and in bed and then we have one of many serious discussions. That’s the one thing I love about my marriage. Jeremy and I don’t “fight.” We May have very heated discussions and disagreements, but we live by the old saying “never go to bed angry.” We hash everything out and it’s over!

The next day I found a psychiatrist and the journey began to change my life. I still currently see my psychiatrist and after a year of therapy my therapist felt I was in a good place to only come in if I needed “maintenance.”

Over the last 10 years Jeremy has come to understand if he thinks something is “off” to ask me or call me out on it. We are far from perfect, but our marriage has survived some of the lowest lows. We didn’t have an exit strategy when we decided to get married and we don’t have one now. We are in this for forever and I love getting to spend my days with him!

Matt;e